God Loves Him More Than I Do

Wednesday night I met with my bible study group.  Galatians 4 was our passage.  Only one of my ladies was able to make it but I pressed forward because I knew God had laid it on my heart that whether there was 1 or all, He had a word for us.

So, Galatians 4.  We discussed what sin we were enslaved to.  Even deeper, we talked about our idols.  To go a little further was the subject of our children being our idols.  This has been tough for me.  I remember growing up and someone asking me what I wanted to be.  “A mommy!”  That was my answer for so long.  So when Blaine wanted to wait 2 years for kids, I fought him and I fought God.  I knew that before God would allow me to be pregnant I had to surrender that idol in my life as well as surrender the idol my future children would become if I wasn’t careful.  I did.  But I was tested.

Blaine has talked about his testing with his children being his idols, and I knew that I had laid it all down at the cross.  What I didn’t realize was just how much God loved my children more than I could ever imagine loving them.  As I shared my heart with my dear friend, God began to reveal more of the journey we had been on and how He was present when I didn’t even feel Him.

For those who don’t know our story, for the past year we have traveled a difficult road of our infant son having a chd (congenital heart defect).  I won’t go into details today about our whole journey, but I’m sure some day I will.  What I do want to share is one dreadful day.

For a week we fought for the life of our son (not to mention the 2 and 1/2 months of fighting before this week), but it wasn’t until this morning that God opened my eyes to the severity of it.  Kaden had grown weak.  You can see his sunken, dark eyes and his lethargic body.  He would look around, but mostly, he would sleep.  We could see that he was getting worse but we could not get anyone to listen to us.

Some things we heard but knew in our hearts just weren’t right:

Heart babies vomit.  Yes, but not more than they are taking in.

He will get worse before his surgery.  No, the whole point of postponing his surgery is to get him as healthy as possible.

Trust us.  I cannot trust you.  You do not have a heart that beats for my son.

We knew our hope and trust were in the Lord but we were completely helpless.  We were scheduled for surgery the Friday of that week or possible the week after.  So when Kaden’s heart surgeon showed up days before his “possible” ohs (open heart surgery) date we just assumed he was able to get some free time to come and shut us up.  Yes, we had become THOSE PARENTS.  But thankfully we did.

The heart surgeon ordered for Kaden’s blood to be drawn.  His veins kept blowing.  After about 7 sticks, they got what they needed.  But the labs came back completely out of whack, so much so that the head nurse came in to let us know they would be drawing more blood because “almost always when the labs come back looking like that they are wrong!”  Round 2.  They stuck him several more times before getting another sample.

Kaden was exhausted from crying.  Blaine and I were terrified and angry.  We almost couldn’t handle it.  Second labs came back.  “Mr. and Mrs. St. Germain, his labs were the same.  We have to start an IV right away.  He is severely dehydrated.”  FINALLY!  Some answers.  After 17 sticks and no luck with an IV a PICU (Pediatric ICU) doctor came to see us.  They would be moving Kaden to the PICU to try to put an IV in his head so that he could get fluid and potassium among other things leveled out.

We felt our first breath of air in days.  Kaden would be monitored by one nurse 24/7 until surgery.  As they tried to get the IV into his head they asked us to step out. This was the worst day of my life that I could recall but that moment was worst of all.  Leaving my screaming baby who barely had a voice left while they poked in his head with a needle.  When we came back we could still hear cries and as soon as he was in my arms he settled down.  His breaths were shallow because of his crying and that was when we were able to let emotion take over.  Crying as I held him I just thanked God that they were doing something to make him better.

By the next day the decision had been made, surgery would be that Wednesday (June 2, 2014) because of how critical he had become.  We had one more hurdle to jump over before surgery.  A blood transfusion.  Thankfully all went well and he was on the books.  Two days later we sent our baby to have open heart surgery again trusting God.

What God showed me Thursday morning was that our heart surgeon coming to see him that day when he did, was nothing short than a work of His hand.  Our heart surgeon was in and out of surgeries and meeting with parents the day before each surgery.  The only reason he came to see us was because of us being THOSE PARENTS.  God was there.  He initiated the meeting that day.  His plan was for Kaden to live and He made a way for that to happen.  And I didn’t even realize it until 7 1/2 months later.  I knew He was with us.  The whole time.  But I didn’t see how critical Kaden had become and how without His loving hand we would not have him with us today.

Would God have still been there had we lost Kaden?  Absolutely.  He is always with us.  I am just humbled before Him today that in our darkest day He was right there orchestrating events to happen to save our baby, his creation. You see what I have learned in the past year is just how much God loves my children more than I love them. They are more His than they are mine. I am simply a steward of his creation. I am humbled and thankful. And I once again stand in awe of his goodness and compassion and mercy and grace.